Like most writers who are yet to finish a first draft (pause for heavy, disappointed sigh) I am constantly flirting with different ideas, totally unable to commit to one, and forever procrastinating on all of them.
I spent a lot of time saying that I didn't know why this was - maybe I just had too many good ideas? Maybe it's just the way my brain works? Maybe I'm secretly a genius and, like my fellow genius (heavy sarcasm) Leonardo Da Vinci, simply need several outlets to keep my genius contained?
Well. I sincerely doubt that.
And, I know exactly why I've managed to start and tinker with several manuscripts without ever finishing one:
Fear.
Fear is what's holding me back. It may sound silly - what am I afraid of, after all? A blank page?
Well, actually, yes.
Writing is so very close to my heart, and, like all writers, I desperately want to succeed. In a weird backwards twisty way though, it's this desire to succeed that is preventing me from doing just that. I am too scared to get something wrong.
I am too scared of the hard work necessary to make a novel work.
I am too scared of choosing the wrong idea.
In short, I am scared of failure.
This surprised me at first because I have never been someone afraid to make a fool of myself. I eagerly get into sports despite having no hand-eye coordination whatsoever, and have no problem getting on the dancefloor with a 0% blood-alcohol level despite having the rythmn and grace of a hippopotamus with a leg missing.
I spent a lot of time saying that I didn't know why this was - maybe I just had too many good ideas? Maybe it's just the way my brain works? Maybe I'm secretly a genius and, like my fellow genius (heavy sarcasm) Leonardo Da Vinci, simply need several outlets to keep my genius contained?
Well. I sincerely doubt that.
And, I know exactly why I've managed to start and tinker with several manuscripts without ever finishing one:
Fear.
Fear is what's holding me back. It may sound silly - what am I afraid of, after all? A blank page?
Well, actually, yes.
Writing is so very close to my heart, and, like all writers, I desperately want to succeed. In a weird backwards twisty way though, it's this desire to succeed that is preventing me from doing just that. I am too scared to get something wrong.
I am too scared of the hard work necessary to make a novel work.
I am too scared of choosing the wrong idea.
In short, I am scared of failure.
This surprised me at first because I have never been someone afraid to make a fool of myself. I eagerly get into sports despite having no hand-eye coordination whatsoever, and have no problem getting on the dancefloor with a 0% blood-alcohol level despite having the rythmn and grace of a hippopotamus with a leg missing.
I'm not afraid of trying things in general. In giving things a go. Taking a shot.
Becuase after you take a stab at something like sports, or dancing, or chess or something else you don't really care about, you can just laugh about it and not really think about it again.
Writing's different. Writing means something to me, and failing at the thing I've always secretly thought would be the thing I'd get good at is scary.
But enough of that rubbish now. If 2020 has taught us anything, it's that there are no guarantees in this life and what's here tomorrow might not be there the next.
So here goes.
Words on paper, and whatnot.
